I am the only woman in this house. The other three occupants are men, both very young, youngish and one who wishes he was YOUNG!ER!
Dear fellow male occupants of casa Heather;
Lets get a few things straight. I could have sworn we have had this conversation before, but yet again I will just TOUCH BASE with ya'll on a few things that are irritating the crap out of me wanting to make me pull my hair out, one strand at a time.
Numero uno! Please do not assume that there is a garbage fairy who will frequent every room in the house where a trash can is to pick up items that were tossed BESIDE the trash can. I dont know WHY those items failed to launch another 3 inches into the trash can, however they missed and are now laying on the floor. This would include your cutips, chewed gum, candy wrappers, hate notes to one another (Gabriel to his brother) and lord knows what else may be laying around.
2. If you spill something, please clean it up! Immediately! Do not toss a towel over the entire glass of Pepsi that "accidentally fell of the desk all by itself and you WERENT EVEN in the room when it happened, in fact noone was" and expect that your extremely anal over her carpet mother will not notice the dark spot under the towel the size of oh, lets say, a beach ball! Doing this will only make your existance with me even MORE horrible than you have already expressed. And yes, I want you to vacuum AGAIN! Is twice a day really to much to ask? Not if there are cheerios under the office desk and shredded up paper towels from the MALE DOG in all areas of the house. (ahem!)
3. When I ask you to take a bath ( which is daily) please do not try and convince me that you really are clean and ask me repeatedly to "take a wiff of your armpit!" I really prefer to just trust my own decision by asking you to just take a damned bath. End of discussion.
4. After you take a bath and there is about 2 inches of water around the tub, AGAIN there is no magical fairy who will come clean that up! Try not playing out the scene of Pirates of Carribean while in my tub. MMMkay? And please dear 10 year old child, please RINSE the shampoo out of your hair before you exit the tub and dress yourself, half wet with pajamas sticking to you like plastic wrap to a person sitting in a sauna. It will be less painful for me having to watch you try and REMOVE the said items of clothing, you wretching your body from side to side trying to pull the shirt off. Sometimes its just plain ass hard to contain my own laughter.
5. Oh my 17 year old. My, my. Where do we begin? Lets just say that when I ask you to make sure your brother is fed during the day, this does not mean letting him eat a half a bag of Doritos and M&M's qualifies as healthy or even being fed.
6. When the kitchen trash is tied up and there is no more room anywhere to put any trash, this means that it is a very good time to take out the trash! It doesnt just walk itself out to the trash can!
I think I will stop at 6 because I now need a glass of wine to dull my brain of the things I could go on and on about.
Sincerely,
Your very tired mother who loves you to death, even though she is just venting. A LITTLE.
PS. No wire hangers! Everrrrrrr!
